


Not That Different

by TBGrace



Category: VAMB
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-03
Updated: 2011-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-16 02:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBGrace/pseuds/TBGrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Situated post End-Game. For winning bid of Australian Flood Relief online auction.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Not That Different

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GSlovesvoyager](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=GSlovesvoyager).



> Situated post End-Game. For winning bid of Australian Flood Relief online auction.

NOT THAT DIFFERENT

Kathryn holds tightly to the arm of her First Officer as she waits for their turn to enter through the doors leading to the room that is holding the immediate family of Voyager’s crew. Since they arrived in the Alpha Quadrant two days ago, the energy emanating from everyone could easily power the warp nacelles for almost a week if it could somehow be held in containment. She could hear the loud buzz of hundreds of people talking, laughing, and crying as they are reunited with their loved ones. Chakotay covers her hand with his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Looking up, her solemn face slowly breaks into a smile as she sees his smile and gentle look he is giving her. “I feel like I’m living a dream. I’m going to close my eyes and when they open again, I’m in my chair on the Bridge, fighting off another alien of the week.”

 

“This is no dream Kathryn. You are home on Earth again.” Before she can respond, she hears her name spoken over an amplification system and the doors open before them. Straightening her shoulders and holding her head a little higher she takes one last breath and takes a step.

 

The noise is deafening as the entire room turns and starts to cheer and applaud. All eyes are on them, and she can’t believe how many people are packed into the banquet room. She keeps looking around, recognizing a bunch of the faces in the crowd, and when her gaze falls on Harry, standing between his mother and father smiling as big as a man possibly could, she has to blink back the tears that threaten to spill. _Not now, not in front of the entire Starfleet Admiralty and your crew’s family. Stay strong Kathryn, there will be plenty of time for tears later._ She mentally chastises herself.

 

“Captain Janeway, welcome home” Owen Paris says meeting them at the end of the long red carpet they just walked down. Hearing him call her by rank snaps her out of her reverie and she realizes that she doesn’t remember walking the distance at all. Pulling her mask into place she gives him a polite smile and takes the hand he is offering her. “Thank you Admiral” she says.

 

Letting go of her hand, he takes his place in the line of other officers in the official welcoming committee. “Kathryn!” Turning her head, she feels her legs grow weaker and her whole body trembles as she fights a losing battle of keeping her tears from falling. Rushing to her is a woman a couple inches taller than her with salt & pepper grey hair, eyes as blue as the Pacific Ocean, and a smile as bright as her own. “MOM!” she manages to croak out past a throat constricted with emotion. Holding her arms open she clutches tightly to Gretchen Janeway, sobbing on the woman’s shoulders. A taller, blonde woman with tears streaming down her face, a few years younger than Kathryn follows close behind and joins into the hug. Seeing this reunion, there isn’t a single dry eye in the crowd. Chakotay politely stands back at a proper distance letting the woman of his dreams have this private moment.

 

He is surprised when he sees Kathryn turn back to him and hold out her hand to him, indicating he is to come over. Putting a smile on his face he joins her. “Mom, Phoebe, I want you to meet my First Officer, Commander Chakotay.”

 

“Commander, my mother Gretchen and my sister Phoebe.”

 

“Please to meet you Mrs. Janeway. Phoebe.” He shakes each of their hands in turn and gives them his signature dimpled smile. I can see now where the Captain gets her good looks from.”

 

“Chakotay!” Kathryn feels her face go as red as the bodice on her dress uniform jacket and she throws him a look. 

 

“Thank you” Gretchen answers, ignoring her daughter.

 

~~~~

The gathering carries on well into the evening and as expected Kathryn doesn’t get to spend much time with her mom and sister because all the other families want a part of her time to thank her for getting their loved one back home safely to them. As she is talking with Tom and B’Elanna, Chakotay comes up to her. “Um, Kathryn, have you seen Seven lately?”

 

The four of them scan the room. “Actually, now that you mention it, no I don’t.”

 

“Could she be with the Doctor?”

 

“I never activated him. I don’t think society is quite ready for a hologram that can go wherever organics can go.”

 

“Yet they’re ready for an ex-Borg drone to roam amongst them?” Kathryn gives B’Elanna a look but doesn’t comment. Instead she places a hand on B’Elanna’s arm. “I’m going to go ask around and see if I can find her.”

 

Kathryn searches for close to 20 minutes before she goes out to the garden and finds the young blonde sitting on a bench alone. Pulling her jacket tighter around her body, she approaches her protégé. “Seven? What are you doing out here all alone? Why aren’t you back inside with the others?”

 

“Captain” Seven says with surprise, not realizing someone else was there. “Large crowds make me uncomfortable. I like it out here much better.”

 

A slight breeze begins to blow and Kathryn gives a little shiver. She is still getting used to the uncontrolled temperatures of mother nature. “You should at least have a jacket on.”

 

“I do not require an outer garment. My current garment adjusts to the changing temperatures automatically to keep me at the same temperature all the time. Do not concern yourself with my well being. You are needed more inside.”

 

“KATHRYN!”

 

“Over here Chakotay!” she calls in his direction.

 

“Have you found Seven yet?”

 

Kathryn decides to leave, telling herself to come back in an hour to check on Seven again. “Yes I found her. She’s okay, just wanted some time alone. Large crowds still make her uncomfortable.”

 

“How are you holding up?”

 

“It’s still all sinking in. It will for awhile I’m expecting.”

 

The daylight is fading fast and Kathryn’s hair looks even more beautiful in the glow of the lights that line the cobblestone path going from the doors of the Starfleet Headquarters banquet hall into the general garden area of the grounds. Chakotay finds himself desperately wanting to reach out and touch it, pulling her into his arms and planting a firm and meaningful kiss on her luscious mouth. Shaking his head he makes himself forget the lewd thoughts running in his mind.  “I know this probably isn’t the right place or time to bring it up, but have you given any more thought to my offer after we finish our debriefings and are released to lead our own lives again?”

 

Kathryn looks away, avoiding his eyes. She was hoping he wouldn’t bring up the question again. And especially not this soon after asking a first time. Clearing her throat, she clasps her hands in front of her, rubbing one thumb over the other. After seven years of sitting beside her and getting to know her different gestures, he knows this is one of nervousness and uncomfortableness. “Kathryn?” She takes a deep breath and holds it, getting up the nerve to answer him. She can’t avoid him forever, as much as she’d like to.

 

Letting her breath out slowly she continues to look down at her feet. “I have thought about it Chakotay, but unfortunately I’m going to have to turn your offer down.”

 

He feels like he’s been kicked in the stomach. When she had agreed to think about it, he had let himself get up hope. Now with one sentence she had smashed those hopes to a billion small pieces. “You’re turning me down? Why Kathryn?”

 

“Because I can’t Chakotay.”

 

“You can’t? Or you won’t?”

 

“I can’t”

“Yes you can Kathryn. Give me a reason why you won’t.”

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“So explain it to me.”

 

“We’re much too different. We’re from two separate worlds.”

 

“You’re partly right. But what we have together is strong enough to bond us for life. Look behind your own soul Kathryn, and the person that you see, may just remind you of me.”

 

“How is that?”

 

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try. I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same things too so we're really not that different, me and you.”

 

Kathryn felt a chill run through her. She could hardly argue with his pure and simple logic, but logic never could convince a heart. “Chakotay don’t push this. Please.”

 

“So that’s it. You’re not even going to give me a chance? Give _us_ a chance?”

 

“I’m not ready. I have to figure out who I am now that I’m not an active duty Captain.”

 

“I know who Kathryn is. I saw her on New Earth. All I want is to help you find her.”

 

“And when I do? Then what happens?”

 

“Whatever we want to happen.” Chakotay thinks he has broken through to her but all too quickly she puts her guard back up. “I better go back inside before they send someone out to find me. You coming?”

 

He wanted to grab her arms, tell her that he wouldn’t let her leave until they had logically talked this through some more. He knew her well enough though to know that doing that would just make things worse. Instead he just gives a nod and follows her inside.

 

******

Over the last 6 weeks both he and Kathryn have been kept very busy with debriefings, meetings, and media interviews. Usually they would have lunch together and twice she came to his place for dinner. They would catch each other up on things they had heard are going on with the former Voyager crew and about how much Miral had grown already. “Speaking of Miral, are you attending Admiral Paris’s birthday party?”

 

“For a short while. I was planning on a trip to Indiana for a couple weeks once things at Starfleet have settled down.”

 

“Will you be staying with your mother or sister?”

 

“I don’t know yet.”

 

“Would you like some company while you’re there?”

 

“I’m going to be the company Chakotay.”

 

“I know, I thought maybe you would want someone with you that you are used to spending a lot of time around.”

 

“That’s very thoughtful of you Chakotay, thank you, but I’ll be fine.” She gave him one of her infamous smiles, covered his hand with hers and squeezed it affectionately. “I’ll be fine” she repeated.

 

******

That was the last time he had seen or spoken to her in a month. He is sitting in a pub, drowning his feelings in a pint of beer and a bowl of pretzels. Kathryn has been on his mind a lot lately, although he’s not sure why. Perhaps it’s because in all the years he’s known her this is the longest he’s ever gone without some kind of contact with her. A woman’s laugh breaks through his mind and he quickly looks over to the door. He can’t see the person whom the laugh is coming from but he already knows who she is. Standing up to get a better view he confirms his guess.

 

Kathryn hasn’t felt this relaxed in a long time. As she listens to her friends talking she gets the feeling that she is being watched from the back of the pub. Looking away, her eyes automatically land on the tall dark haired man standing beside a table in the very back. At that moment, everything else around her seems to disappear. He doesn’t say a word but she reads his expression as an invitation to join him at the table. She nods her reply and turns back to her friends. “I found us a table. Come on.” When they approach she gives him a polite smile and he nods gently once. “Chakotay, these are my friends Sandra and Contessa. Girls, this is my former First Officer, and friend, Chakotay.”

 

They exchanged pleasantries and sat down, ordering drinks and a platter of appetizers, and talking about lots of different things. The mood was light, but Contessa picked up on an aura that seemed to settle over both Kathryn and Chakotay. She and Kathryn have been friends since they were students at the Academy together so they have talked about many things in life, and she knows Kathryn well enough to know that she would never admit she has these feelings for Chakotay the way Contessa sees them. “Sandra, can you give me a lift home? I have a big day tomorrow and I should get going.”

 

“Sure. It was nice to finally meet you Chakotay. I’ll talk to you later Kathryn.”

 

They say their goodbyes and leave. “I was hoping we’d get a chance to talk alone. I’ve missed you Kathryn. A month felt like forever not hearing from you.”

 

“To be honest, it felt odd to me too. We’ve never gone that long before without talking.”

 

“Then let’s not let it happen again. Let’s go away somewhere and catch up. Just the two of us.”

 

“What about work? And.....other stuff?”

 

He knew she was putting up her barriers again. He saw it in her eyes immediately. “Tell Starfleet that you need more time, you’re not ready to take on anything more yet. They should understand. After 7 years in the Delta Quadrant, you deserve more time that 2 months off. C’mon Kathryn.”

 

“I’m sorry Chakotay, I can’t.”

 

“You’re doing it again.” His voice is sharp. She looks at him and sees the look on his face she has seen many times before. The look of disapproval.

 

“What am I doing Chakotay?” she challenges him.

 

“You’re running away from your feelings. I love you Kathryn, why can’t you just admit that you love me too?”

 

“I have admitted I love you, but not in the way you want to think I do. You are my most trusted friend. I can’t say that about many people. But you want me to admit something that isn’t true. You know I can’t do that.” She reaches for her coat and stands up. “Thank you for a nice evening Chakotay, it was good to see you again.”  Before he could respond she disappeared into the crowd and out the door.

 

The whole shuttle ride home Kathryn tried to keep her mind on anything other than Chakotay. Unfortunately she didn’t succeed well. She kept seeing the look of disapproval on his face. Over the years she had learned to push away the feelings she had when he gave it, but that’s because most of the time the look wasn’t specifically directed at her. This time, however, it was. He accused her of not loving him back. That wasn’t true though. She had always dreamed of loving someone more exotic, and he just didn’t seem to fit the part. As she disembarked off the shuttle she made a decision that would change her life forever. She would not think about Chakotay and move on with her life.

 

******

She searched for greener pastures and found quite a few, but more often than not, she could never forget what Chakotay’s last words to her were.

 

 _They were walking through the botanical gardens on the grounds at Starfleet Academy. He stopped them, and turned her to face him. The moonlight shone down on them and lit his face beautifully. “Kathryn, I want you to be happy, but the way you are doing it isn’t right.”_

 _“Chakotay, how many times do I have to tell you, we won’t work out. It’s not as complicated as when we were in the Delta Quadrant, but there are still restrictions we have to follow.”_

 _“You can’t hide behind that uniform for the rest of your life looking for your true happiness Kathryn._   
_I laugh, I love, I hope and I try. I hurt, I need, I fear and I cry; and I know you do the same things too so we're really not that different, me and you.”_

Kathryn has to shake her head to get rid of the memory. Over the past months, she always was sure she was making the right choice, but lately she wonders. Feeling like her life is spiralling out of control, she takes some personal time off and disappears to Indiana. After having many talks with her mom, sister, and even Mark she finally feels like she is under control again.

 

~~~~~

Chakotay nearly drops his packages when he sees a woman sitting on his doorstep. Slowly he approaches her, and can tell she is disturbed. Was it time or was it truth? Maybe both led her back to his door. “Kathryn? What are you doing here?” he asks as he approaches her. She waits until he is standing in front of her and reaches out her hands so he can help her stand. As the tears fell at his feet, she didn’t say ‘I love you’, what she said meant even more. Still holding his hands she tells him, “I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry” Kathryn’s voice catches in her throat and she looks down at their hands. Swallowing past the lump in her throat she continues. “and I know you do the same things too so we're really not that different, me and you.”

 

When she’s finished talking she cautiously looks up at him. What she sees is him standing there, tears in his eyes and a tiny smile on his face. “It took me a long time to realize this, and I still don’t totally know where my life is meant to go from here, but one thing I do know for certain. Wherever that place is, I want you beside me.”

 

“You know I will be there Kathryn. Always.” Letting go of her hands, he pulls her into his arms, hugging her tightly. She brings her arms around his back and squeezes tight, welcoming the familiar feeling of safety when she is in his arms. Breathing in his scent, she finally lets her guard down and lets the tears flow freely. Everything is going to be alright. Finally.


End file.
